[ongoing] What we lost - Ohmiya [7/8]

[ica_90]

Title: What we lost (7/8)
Author: ica_90
Pairing: Ohmiya, some other pairing later
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Losing their child in an accident, Nino started to distance himself from Ohno in which Ohno never knows why.
Disclaimer: ohmiya own each other. Enough said
A/N: unbeta. again, my angst feeling was lost -.-"

The smell of the medicines filled his nostril the moment he woke up. It felt hurt all over his body and the beeping sound next to him makes him remembered everything. All of sudden, the pain he felt earlier disappeared, replaced by the heavy feeling in his chest.

Hurt, regrets, disappointed. He wasn’t sure which one dominated him the most, while it felt like the feeling mixed as one making him to feel like to puke everything out of his empty stomach.

He couldn’t explain how hurt it was when he finally knew of the truth. After all, he’s the reason why he lost everything in a blink of time. He lost his child, he lost Nino’s love for him. What else was left for him? Nothing. It felt so empty. At the moment, he felt like his body was living, but not his soul. It has gone, and he preferred if it could be forever, so he won’t hurt his feeling again.

And Nino’s.

Yes, Nino deserved his own happiness. But how could he let him go. True, maybe Nino hated him after all that happened. But how could he live his life without someone who he loved most? The one who he bowed that only death do they apart?
True, Nino wasn’t at the fault here. he was. He’s the reason why to Shin’s death. he’s the reason why to Nino change. He’s the reason to everything that happened. Only if he could take the first step to avoid this from happening. He should have resigned before the thing get worst. Before he fell into the trapped set by the woman. But everything has been too late now. One life was gone, and Shin will never return anymore.

The sound of the door opened make he shifted his sight towards the direction. Nino walked in, his eyes didn’t meet his. He closed the door slowly, his head lowered, refuse to met Ohno’s eyes until he reached the bed.

The room was silent for a few minutes. Only the beeping sound could be heard. Nino still didn’t look up to him; instead he played with his fingers. If they weren’t in this condition, Ohno sure he gonna voice out how cute the man playing with his fingers, and Ohno sure that Nino will blushed afterwards, muttering a soft ‘baka’ towards him.

But he can’t. It was so awkward that he couldn’t find any words to begin with.

“they’ve caught that woman,” Nino begin, making Ohno to look at his side slowly. The pain from the accident hurt a lot and the fact that he just woke up doesn’t help in any way.

“Seems like she was determined enough to make you as hers that he hired someone to kill you,” Nino continued, biting his lips. “She was caught, but not in the way that everyone supposed to hope. She killed herself. When the police went to her house after they gathered enough proves, she already dead for a day,”

It took Ohno a moment to comprehend all the information he heard. And when he did, his eyes widen.

“Yamashita-san?” he asked, frowning. The mask on his face limited him from talking, but he still tried to.

“I never know her name, Satoshi. You never told me about her,” there’s bitterness in the way Nino said those lines, make Ohno to feel like something slicing his heart.

“Kazu…”

“But that wasn’t the thing I want to talk about, Oh-chan. it’s about us. about our future,”

Nino couldn’t said anything at first. It’s hurt for him too, thinking how wrong he was, how much pain he had gave the man. they still love each other, but staying will be too painful for him. every single memories of him with Ohno will lead to Shin. It’s hurting him way too much than anyone could ever imagine.

“I’m sorry, Oh-chan,” he spokes, his lips shivered. “I know I’m being unfair, but, I don’t think I can stay anymore,”

The pain struck his heart the moment Nino finished his line. He should have guess, he could have guess. But why is it so painful to hear it.

“you don’t forgive me,” Ohno replied, almost a whisper but loud enough to be heard by Nino. There’s disappointment in his voice.

“you done nothing wrong, Oh-chan. you never cheat on me. Sho-kun has told me everything about the woman. Everything and it’s hurt to repeat back everything that I’ve been told. Because in the end, it just give me a prove that I didn’t trust you enough, that I let my doubt on you to overcome me and causing the death of our son. It’s painful,” he said, silently weeping.

He wiped the tears that flow on his cheeks, sobbing once before continued again.

“And then, I just let my mind to make the decision by what I had saw. I thought that you had cheated on me that you should deserve the same punishment. But in the end, I was wrong. It’s hurt making love with someone I never love. Everytime I’m with him, all I think about is you. Because I love you. and that’s the reason why I started to hate you,”

“You hate me,” ohno paraphrase the word according to his sense. If he could he cried, he would, because hearing that from someone that he loved most hurt too much. but he couldn’t cried, he just can’t. maybe because of the tears has dried, or it was waiting for the right time to fall, Ohno didn’t know.

“I don’t. maybe I did. My life has been so confusing, Satoshi. I love you, at the same time I hate you. I tried to put all the blame on you, that you’re the reason to Shin’s death. But after hearing from Sho-kun about everything, I started blaming myself again. and that’s the reason why we shouldn’t be together anymore,”

Ohno couldn’t say a word. The heavy feeling inside his chest doubled. His throat feels like burning with his emotions. Nino’s words like a death sentences for him. in the end, all he could do was nothing.

“I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done to you,” he saw Nino biting his lips. “Even if you really cheat on me, Satoshi, It’s not a good reason for me to cheat behind you too. And the fact that I cheat on you when you’re not, is already a reason enough for you to let me go,”

Nino stood up, gripping Ohno’s hand.

“I need you to let me go. Because I can’t love you anymore. I still love you though, but it needs to stop,” he kissed the man’s hand once before continue again. “Everytime I tried to find a reason to love you again, I keep blaming myself for Shin’s death. I can’t live with you anymore. because staying would be too painful. For me and for you. so please, let me go,”

Slowly, Ohno averted his gaze from the man. Watching Nino now gave him nothing than hurt. How was he supposed to explain his feeling, to let go someone who he’s been loving for this past 14 years? It felt like his soul was gone, his body weakens that he thought maybe he’s dying. But why was there a painful feeling inside his chest?

He heard the sound of the door closed. Nino had leaved and all of sudden, it felt empty. He clenched the blanket, trying to control the pain he felt inside.

He tried to sleep, he wanted to. He closed his eyes before he started dreaming. But it wasn’t a dream

 It’s a memory.

That was the day when Shin came home from the school, entering the car with his face mess with tears. The young boy was sobbing, choking when Ohno asked him what’s wrong, but nothing could left his mouth to answer the question from his worried father.

“Did your teacher scold you?” the child shook his head. “Then, what’s wrong?”

“Everyone in the school is mocking me. They said that I’m weird. That I don’t have a mother,” Shin finally replied when he manage to control his sobs.

Ohno sighed. That was the thing that Nino most feared about before they make the decision on ‘having’ a son. For years, he’s been prepared for the things to happen, but when it happened today, he couldn’t give a good idea for his son.

“is it that bad? Did they harm you?” the boy shook his head. There’re still some sobbing left the younger one’s mouth, but less compared from the first time he entered the car.

“you don’t have to lie if they hurt your you. maybe I can arrange a school change for you?” surprisingly, Shin shook his head.

“I don’t want to change the school. I won’t be able to meet Sakura-chan if I do,” the child pout, choking a little on his words.
Ohno frowned. Sakura-chan? he never heard the name before.

“Who?”

“Didn’t papa told you anything about her? She’s my classmates. She always has that two ponytail everytime she went to school,”

“you like her?” and the boy felt quiet, slightly blushing. Ohno laughed. Somehow having the thought that his 7 years old child liking someone in his class make him felt old.

But again, his though back again on the first topic. He sighed.

“Is it really matter if you have two guys as your parent, Shin?”

The child looked hesitate by the sudden question. He bites his lips, refuse to look at his father or even replying it. Again, ohno sighed.

Both of them fell silent afterwards; Ohno drove the car in silent while the child took his sight towards the outside scenery. It was a moment later, when the boy realized it was different path to their home, he voice it out.

“Are we heading somewhere?”

Ohno nodded.

“I’m taking you to a place that was and still is the very special place to me,”

And again the boy fell silent. He sat quietly inside the car until they arrived the said destination.

“We’re here,” Ohno said, smiling at his child.

“A park?” the boy frown. “And I don’t see anything special here,” Shin continued, pouting. This time Ohno laughed.

“I’ll tell you later why it is so special for me,” Ohno said, unbuckled his seat belt, before get off of the car. He opened his child’s door, letting some times for the child to get off, before he closed, locked it. He took Shin’s hand into his, walked with his child until they reach somewhere in the middle of the park.

“10 years ago, in this spot, right next to this dustbin, well they changed it every year, so it’s not the same dustbin,” he chuckled when he saw his child laughing. “Nevermind that. I fell in love with your papa. First sight love,” he said, grinning as he remembered the scene.

Slowly he makes his way towards a seat near to them, asking Shin to sit next to him as he continued his story.

“he’s so cute that time. Loud, brat, cheerful and not to mention a very hardworking one. we’re having a University community program here, and that was the time I fell in love with your papa,”

He paused, observing his child reaction.

“I love your papa very much, Shin. Community may take on us ligthly. They look at us with gross, disgust feeling. One day you’ll know that supposedly, a relationship between two men shouldn’t work perfectly, but between me and your papa, it works just like it is. Because we love each other. That’s what matter,”

Again he looked at his child, smiling this time.

“I’m sorry that I can’t give you a mother. But as long as we love you, isn’t that fine?”

The child fell silent. His sight went towards the ground, his feet playing with it.

“Do you really love papa?” Shin suddenly asked. Ohno smiled. It’s unexpected but he already, always had the answer to that question.

“I do. I really do. I’ll die without him,”

“What if he doesn’t love you anymore?”

Ohno fell silent. Slowly, he averted his gaze, watching the scenery in front him.

“I’ll make him love me again,” he said all of sudden.

“But if he’s stubborn to love you again?”

Ohno laughed this time. He took his child onto his lap, kissing the boy on his cheek before hug him from behind, his head on Shin’s shoulders.

“Then I’ll chase after him. Forever. Until the day I die. And if he still that stubborn until that time, I’ll die, will wait for him in the heaven and chase him for his love, until he accepted me again,”

The two of them giggled by the answer before they fell silent. The boy then shifted his body to look at Ohno. He tried to find Ohno’s hand, linking his short pinky fingers with Ohno’s. He stared directly towards his father, trying to find sincerity in the older man on what he’s going to ask next.

“You promise me? That you gonna take care of papa forever and ever?”

Ohno nodded.

“Forever and ever,” he said without any hesitancy. His tried to show a serious face despite how funny he felt at the moment, making a promise with a 7 years old boy.

“Then, it’s good,” Shin let go of his hand, pulled him into a hug. “I love you daddy. I love papa too. Take care of him, and take care of me too,” the child said, happiness could be heard in his voice.

“I will, my lovely boy,”

Ohno’s eyes snapped open. There are tears flowing from the corner of his eyes, his pillow wet with his tears.

He broke his promise to his child once. He won’t do it again for the second time.

“Shin. I’ll make your papa to love me again,” he muttered silently, clenching the blanket a hard as he could, feeling pain and determine when he remembered the promise. “I won’t break it again. help me,”

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notes: to be honest, when i re-read this, i don't have any feelling. plain. huhuhu. 1 last chapter. i guess, my brain don't really work on working days. it wanted me to focus, i guess. :P