ica_90

Title : All that I want
Author: ica_90
Pairing: Ohmiya
Genre : Angst, fluff
Rating: PG
Summary : he is confused until the decision he makes tells him what he wants
Disclaimer: I own them not

(self-beta)

“You’ve been sulking for a week, riida. Maybe you should just tell him,” Jun finally voice out after a while holding his annoyance towards me.

True, it has been a week that I have lost my mood. And I never try to get them back. I just don’t want. And I hate to admit it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to ignore what the youngest member of the group is saying. My words however didn’t gives any effect to him.

“it won’t take his attention anymore, Riida. You’re the one who ask for it right?” I turn my face to the younger one.

“he told you?”

“Accidently heard he told Aiba that night. Not he really wanna tell us, he just drunk. Badly drunk that I guess he really hurt,” jun explains. Somehow, hearing his words makes me feel guilty.

What happened to us 2 weeks ago starts to appear in my mind. Only if I didn’t say those things, maybe I won’t feel this way.

Those smile, those touch, all those things that I miss from him.

“these things need to stop,” his eyes narrow than it always be.

“what is it, Satoshi? What is it that needs to stop?”

“all this.” I pause. Half of my mind asks me to stop, but another half ask me to keep going. “all this, this touch and whatever the fan think about us. I want this to stop,”

Why is it so easy for me to say all those things?

“because I don’t know what I really want anymore,” I said stiff. I know those words are not true. But to convince him to break up with me, I said them without even thinking.

I look at him. he didn’t look mad, not even show he’s hurt either.

“are you breaking up with me?” he asks, calm.

“if that what you think, maybe it is,” I said. It sounds so cruel to my ears, but I never care to make a correction to what I have said.

But seeing his reaction makes me confuse. He’s so calm. He didn’t snap back at me like he always do. He just… smile.

Slowly, he stands up, walks a few step towards me. he usually give me a peck on my lips before heading home from my house. But today, instead of doing so, he give a quick kiss on my forehead, before heading out.

“nino,” I call just to stop him for a while. “aren’t you mad?”

He turns, give me a smile that I didn’t notice it was so faint.

“you have right,” with that he left.

I sigh remembering that. I thought that is what I really want, for him to stay away from me. he really do what I ask. He stops touching me, stops doing all the skinship which he always do. I thought that’s what I want, but I was wrong.

It didn’t take a lot of time before I longing for all that. But all he do just act so normal. Greets me as the same way as before, but something is lost. All the care and all the closeness. I miss that in two days after I ask him to stop. But being stubborn, I refuse to admit it.

Before I could think more, I feel a pressure next to couch that I’ve been sitting the whole time. a place that always filled by the person that I currently missed but no longer sitting there.

“you’ve being too obvious last time. you shouldn’t hide it, or you might lose him forever,” jun said, his hand around my shoulders.

“you know how he easily fall for someone who loves to praise him right? I just…” I look at Jun just to stop him for saying anything.

“I actually like Ninomiya-kun” a pang of jealousy hits me when I heard Maru said those words. it growing more when I see how shy and happy Nino is to hear it.

I didn’t know where I take my mind to until I heard Nino saying my name, talking about Maru’s working with me before and how Maru just feels nothing around me. at that point, I’ve become more annoyed.

“why aren’t you looking at him?” Jun voices his thought just to give me a point to snap.

“that’s right. Why aren’t you looking at him? You’re being gross!” while the audiences think it as a joke, I just can’t hide my annoyance towards the conversation. And I lost my mood up till today. Maybe, I fake my interest only for the recording.

“Riida…” jun calls me soft. I know what he’s going to say.

“I don’t know, OK! Just stop because I don’t know how!”

“you have to do something. I know you still love him. last time, maybe you’re just too confuse to think that you said those things to him. just do some..” Jun didn’t finish his words when he heard the sounds of the door open. Both of us turn to see the other three walks into the room, indicating that our works done for today.

“ah, nino. Are you coming with us? Oh-chan’s coming too” Aiba-chan offers him. Suddenly I remember the promised we make this morning.

“Where?” he asks, not taking his eyes away from his stuff while packing.

“Drink. Come on. It has been a long time we have a group drink out,”

I saw Nino stops. He turns his attention towards the genki member.

“gomen. I can’t make it with you guys tonight. I’ve promised with Maru. Gomen. Just go out without me,” he gives a guilt smile.

“ah… I see.. it’s ok… says hello to Maru for me,” I could see Sho give a soft pinched on Aiba’s arm ask him to stop from saying anything. Aiba stops.

An awkward silent feels the room before Nino takes his leaves.

“riida…”Aiba calls me soft.

“I’m still going with you guys,” I pack my stuff waiting for the other to finish before follows them out.

***

I just didn’t drink too much. Instead of doing so, I just keep watching the other three.

Jun’s right. If I didn’t do something, I might lose him forever. To think that, it breaks me so much that I can’t breathe.

“Oh-chan,” it’s Sho. “Why did you said those things before? To him?” I shrugged.

What is the right answer to that Sho? I didn’t know. Maybe jun’s right. I just confuse. We’ve been together for too long that I’m scared of the future. I didn’t know where it will take me with him. will we still be together even after we age? Will this relation still relevant for eternity?

“for him, everything is, Oh-chan. You, the relation. He knows what he wants. But he can’t say it when you’re the one who hesitated,” Sho says, hands rubbing Aiba’s back who’s choking on his drink.

“come on Riida. Nino loves you. you should make things clear. Either you still want him or not. So that you can move on, and he too,” Aiba said after a while of silent.

No! I still want him! I still love him. I keep saying those words in my mind until I feel a soft pat on my shoulders.

“Forget the bills. Go tells him what you feel now! Go!” Jun says, pushing me. I stand up, thanking them before rushing out to his apartment.

It’s 2 am in the morning and I keep pressing the doorbell, in hope he still awake. After a few times, still no response. I give up, but still I didn’t walk away. Instead of doing so, I lean my back to his apartment door, before slide sitting on the floor.

What if I’m already late? What if he already moves on to another person? What if he no longer love me? After all I said, it may have the high probability of him doing so.

“What are you doing here?” I stop thinking all my thoughts when I heard the question. He’s standing there, far but clears enough to have a view of his confused face.

I stand up take a few step to him just to notice he takes another few step back.

“Nino…” I call him. my mind, my heart all are too scared to think what is he going to say next. From his act, I can guess.

“you didn’t answer my question, Oh-chan,” he replied cold.

“I was waiting for you… to come back,” I want to continue ‘to me’ but I can’t, thinking of what I have said to him last time. Suddenly, I feel shaking. I didn’t know hos long that I can hold myself this way, that I decide to continue while I still can.

“For a moment, will you listen to me?”

No reply.

“I know I’ve hurt you. even without Jun telling me about you drunk, I know I I hurt you. and for that, I’m so sorry,” I could hear my voice shaking, but still I keep continue.

“I know I’m such a jerk. But I was confused. We have been too long, but I didn’t know where this will take us. But, being apart from you, I know now. I realized. I don’t want it to takes us anywhere. I just want you. Forever us,” I paused before once again continue. “I know you might have someone else now, but will you take me back? I just need you that I can’t imagine you with someone else… please,”

I almost… no I was plead to him. I know I deserve nothing from him, but part of me wants him. not parts, whole. But seeing the look he gives me, it left me with no confident at all. And his next words which I have been expected break me even more.

“oh-chan, i’m sorry… I just can’t,” and I didn’t let him finish that I decide to walk away from him, trying to think how I should spend my day thinking I already lost the person that I actually love but never realized it. and then his hand grabs mine.

***

I could feel a trace of tears on my cheeks. I stare at the empty ceiling to think all I have done to him before and what he said to me just now.

“where are you going? ”

“why should I stay anymore, Nino?” I ask, holding myself from breaking even more.

“you should,” he paused, taking my face facing him before continue his next words. “because I can’t really get over you that easy,”

I look at him who is now smiling at me. I could see tears in his eyes, but he is so good to hold them from doing so.

“yes, I have to admit. You hurt me. but you’re the one that I love, oh-chan. Unlike you, I’m sure I am,”

I couldn’t stop myself from crying of how stupid I am for hurting him, someone who loves me. at that moment I swear to god, once again I hurt him, just let me die instead. I can’t bare seeing his cry after he said those words.

“don’t leave me again,” I heard he whisper. I turn to take a look on the person who is lying next to me in the bed. I chuckle once realizing he’s sleep talking before tightens my hug around him.

I won’t.

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